Mobilization Day 3 1/2 – Mental Scars

2:30 AM – I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those people that handled mobilization like a breeze.  I shouldn’t complain,  I haven’t vomited (thank you Zofran), I haven’t had many of nasty side effects that I could have.  I just have constant nausea and a headache that pierces my eyes like shish kabob sticks (which is probably thanks to the Zofran and my MS putting up a fight).  I am still battling this nasty cough from what turned out to be caused by a form of the common cold virus (thank you stick up nose test)… and fatigue like I have never experienced…. with MS, that is saying a lot.  So… It’s not hell,  it’s just no breeze… Not even a wind.  I wonder if this one dose would be as bad without the cold?  I hope it wouldn’t.  I do have a lot more of this chemo coming in the next few weeks and although I will be in the hospital on much stronger drugs,  I want to fool myself into thinking I am normally a little stronger then I feel right now. I feel very weak.

Today I was playing ispy with Rosie.  It’s kind of our thing.  We have these ispy rhyming books and I have to admit, they can be really hard.  When she is at home with Fran, she will have a book and i will have a book.  We will each search for whatever the rhyme asks us to over FaceTime.  It helps with the distance (I am dreading the hospital time where I will not see her for 3 weeks). Anyway,  tonight we were lying in bed playing and I had a coughing fit.  She jumped out of bed so fast and ran in the other room.  I scared her and that broke my heart.  She is 7.  She is supposed to be scared of monsters under her bed and not her mom being sick. My heart did heal a bit when she told Fran I “coughed on my booger”.  

I know what I was like when my mom was sick.  I was 31 and I can still crawl up in the fetal position with just the thought of that time.  My wish for Rosie is a bad memory of the past 2 years… Well, of the bad times I mean.  There were plenty of good thanks to my enormous support team and mostly my parents… Who I can’t imagine what these past 2 years have been like.  I never want to know that pain. As much as I try to shield things (like crying in the bathtub),  I know I can’t spare the brunt of it.  

I don’t write this for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Please don’t.  I am so lucky (TH 4- I just realized what I said … inside adoption joke).  I stop every day and think of my life and how very blessed I am.  Every horror I faced would not have been a horror without love.  That is saying something. There are millions of people in this world battling this disease.  So many are so very worse then I am.  I found Dr. Burt thanks to my amazing Neurologist in San Antonio and I will have my life because of it.  My daughter will have a life where anything and everything is possible… As will I.  How can anyone feel sorry for that?

Xoxo

Colleen

PS – Dolly,  I really want to give you my wordpress password to follow behind me and correct all my spelling and grammar mistakes.  The iPhone app isn’t the best for helping. Lol. 

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