It’s funny, the last time I blogged was when I was adopting my daughter. I feel the same sense of overwhelming anxiety waiting to hear about when I will go to Chicago for my stem cell trial evaluation that I did waiting for each step in the adoption process. It all consuming.
I never cried when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I never once doubted that I would beat it. However, with each failed medication, a tiny part of my self imposed wall has crumbled and the emotion I try so hard to keep out is breaking through. I think the past 16 months of fighting and feeling so sick has started to beat me down. I feel like half a person… half a mother, half a daughter, half a worker and half a friend. I want to be whole again. I try so hard to stay on these drugs no matter how sick they make me. I feel like a failure when I am taken off them. Every well meaning person that tells me of their friend who has had MS for years and is In remission makes me feel like even more of a failure and I know better. This disease is not cookie cutter. It is so different for each person yet I still ask myself, what’s wrong with me that I can’t get there? That is why I am so anxious to move to this next leg. I want to feel like I am making progress for my future… More importantly, for my daughters future. I have a chance of stopping this disease in its tracks. I don’t want to lose it.
The paperwork my father sent to Chicago will be there tomorrow. I am “carelessly” optimistic that I may hear something this week on an appointment. The first and most critical step is getting evaluated and God willing accepted to this stem cell trial with Dr. Burt. That is what I pray for.
My favorite saint, Padre Pio is known for his saying, Pray, Hope and Don’t worry… worry is useless. I need the strength to practice that line I love so much.